Tales of the Parodyverse

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Visionary
Wed Feb 23, 2005 at 11:30:53 pm EST
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Since things are so slow, I'll have to dig deep into the grab-bag of reposts...
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For no particular reason, here's an old story celebrating spiffy's birthday from... jeez, 1999? 2000? When did "Phantom Menace" come out?




"Well, where should we try first?" Visionary asked, scanning the cavernous interior of the Parodiopolis Heights Mega Mall. "What do you think spiffy would want?"

"A date" Yo suggested happily. "The girl being behind the cash register of the 'Just Socks' store is quite cute."

Visionary looked to where the odd pure thought being was pointing. "What's with mall girls and big hair?" he asked curiously, observing her towering, heavily sprayed coiffure. "Is it some kind of dress code? An atmospheric problem?"

"That many socks can build up a hell of a lot of static" Asil pointed out moodily. (She did most everything moodily… one of the side effects from being cloned from Lisa's dandruff, Visionary supposed. Perhaps a discussion of hair abnormalities in such company was a bit of a faux pas. ) "What would someone do with lime green knee socks, anyway?"

"Make a CrazySugarFreakPuppet?" Yo supplied thoughtfully. "Could spiffy use some puppet friends?"

"I'd hope he's not that desperate for companionship yet." Fleabot added.

"Besides…" Asil added, "The whole reason he needs a date is so he can stop using his…"

"IN ANY EVENT…" Visionary quickly interjected, "I think that we should look for some *other* gift, if it's all the same to rest of you. Let spiffy solicit his own dates."

"So aside from being mall pimps, what else could we do for him?" Fleabot asked looking around. "What's 'The Body Shop'?"

"They sell perfumes, bath oils, special soaps… that kind of thing." Visionary answered. "Do you think he'd like something like that? Do you think he even takes baths?"

Asil furrowed her brow. "You have to ask that, and you wonder why he can't get dates?"

Visionary scowled. "I meant he might take showers."

"He's always seemed like a bath kind of guy to me" Fleabot offered, then added conspiratorially "I heard some odd rumors about him when we were all in hell."

"Baths it is" Visionary decided. "We could get always get him a loofa, but would he use scented bath soaps?"

"I don't know…" Asil said wearily, "what does he smell like?"

"He is smelling mostly…" Yo pondered it for a moment, "…Canadian."

"They probably don't have anything strong enough to bother with, then" Asil concluded.

"Maybe we should get lunch first…" Visionary suggested. "They seem to have all the mall food groups represented… pretzels, cinnamon buns, Orange Juliuses…"

"What is an 'Orange Julius' anyway?" asked Asil.

"Well, it's… eh…" he answered instructively, "uh…it's the drink Caesar invented… while crossing the Alps with elephants."

"Are they using still elephants in making it?" Yo asked curiously.

"Oh, no, of course not." Visionary answered assuredly. "They developed an Elephantless-Orange-Julius-er a long time ago… I think Eli Whitney came up with it."

"You know…" Fleabot chimed in, "checking out the History channel during commercial breaks in women's roller-derby does not really constitute an education."

Asil rubbed her temples. "Let's just pick something and go home!"

"Hey, we could have been done by now if you hadn't stopped by the movie theater outside to tease the people in line with fake Phantom Menace spoilers!" Visionary snapped. "You actually made NTU cry…"

Yo blinked. "Yoda then is not Anakin's father?"

"Oh, thank you so much…" Fleabot sighed. "Like I really needed images of that conception in my head."

"What about music?" Asil suggested gamely. "We could get him a CD."

Visionary considered in and nodded. "Not bad… does anyone know what kind of music he listens to?"

They exchanged blank looks.

Fleabot buried his tiny face in his hands. "I could have gone shopping with Tina, Cheryl and Lisa, but no…" he muttered irritably. "I had to go with Happy, Grumpy and Dopey."

"Um…" Visionary said slowly. "I'm Dopey, aren't I?"



Epilogue:

So it was that spiffy, upon his sixteenth birthday, received ten pairs of lime green socks from Yo (with a note reading 'To keep you company'), a loofa and scented body oils from Fleabot (just in case he ever turned into a little girl again), The Best of Gordon Lightfoot from Asil (which was, the clerk assured her, what all hip young Canadians were listening too), and an elephantless Orange Julius-er from Visionary (which was remarkably similar to the blender that he had left the possibly fake man in his will.)

All in all, he was rather nostalgic for hell.





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